On Failure (and Perspective)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about failure. It's not because I feel like a failure or that I fear I will fail at some upcoming task. It's that my best friend is about to interview for his dream job, a wonderful position outside of Seattle, and rooting him on makes me think of the time he did the same for me...and I completely mucked the whole thing up.

It was April 2009, and I was sitting in a conference room in Northern Virginia with a score of other job applicants. I wasn't competing with a single one of them. At this pre-interview meeting, the manager speaking to us asked who was interviewing for his department. I was the only person to raise a hand.

"Twenty thousand people a month apply to work here," the same manager announced to us a few minutes later. "You sitting here right now means that we want you." 

It was a sure thing.

And then I choked during the interview with the two hiring managers. 

The cab ride to the airport and flight back to Nashville were some of the longest hours of my life. I already knew that I wouldn't be receiving an invitation to begin the lengthy hiring process. Two weeks later the "thanks but no thanks" letter came in the mail. It reminded me of a similar letter  I had received from the University of Chicago as a high school senior.

I mourned for a long time. Over the next four years, I reapplied no fewer than five times to the same position. Not a peep.

The pain eventually lessened, and I came to the conclusion that the job, although magnificent in many ways, wasn't really my dream. What I'm doing now, writing for a living, that's been my dream since I was a kid. To thyself be true...

I sincerely hope my friend aces his interview and gets his dream job. He's a good guy and definitely deserves it.

As for me, I am happy. Still, I sometimes wonder about the 'what if,' and imagine an alternative me working on the other side of the country. Does he make more money than me? Of course. Does he do a good job and take pride in his work? Same answer. But is he happy?

I wouldn't bet on it.